Staging

The changing path to pleasure

What feels good one moment may actually feel uncomfortable later. It varies person to person - but most share the same basic stages. And there are common patterns of what kinds of touch feel best at each stage.

Moving through the stages of arousal is one of the things that makes sex amazing. But it’s not a constant path—what feels good one moment may actually feel uncomfortable later.

This obviously varies quite a bit person to person - but most share the same basic stages. And there are common patterns of what kinds of touch feel best at each stage.

Building Desire
Warmup
Build-Up
Approach
Orgasm
Rebuild & Multiples

Why Staging Matters

77.2% of women who report varying levels of orgasm intensity say the more intense orgasms result from spending more time to build up arousal, bit by bit.

“I can have an orgasm if someone just goes straight for the clit but it’s just a tiny little orgasm. I can also have really big crazy orgasms when there’s a great progression that builds and builds.”

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Physical Changes

“I started looking at myself in the mirror before and after I got aroused. Before I did that I didn’t fully realize just how different everything is when I am turned on. It all gets super red and puffy, my clit gets bigger and comes out more and everything feels totally different. When I’m not aroused yet I really don’t like to have my clitoris directly touched, but when I am I really like pressure on my clit. If you did that before I was turned on it would just hurt.”

So Different From Men

“When you find the perfect stroke for a particular guy - like maybe it’s fingers making a tight ring moving up and down while flicking the tip with your tongue… you can pretty much do that from the moment he’s hard and it will be great. And you could do the same thing the next day and it’s just as great for him. For me, and for my friends, just because a particular technique was amazing the night before when I was close to climax - doesn’t mean it will feel good the next day.”

Right Move, Wrong Time

“So often in my marriage of over 40 years, it’s not that he’s doing a wrong move, it’s just the wrong timing. What he does feels good, but not until a certain point and I’m ready for it. I can see why he does that move because I do really like that sometimes.”

Physical Changes

“I started looking at myself in the mirror before and after I got aroused. Before I did that I didn’t fully realize just how different everything is when I am turned on. It all gets super red and puffy, my clit gets bigger and comes out more and everything feels totally different. When I’m not aroused yet I really don’t like to have my clitoris directly touched, but when I am I really like pressure on my clit. If you did that before I was turned on it would just hurt.”

Right Move, Wrong Time

“So often in my marriage of over 40 years, it’s not that he’s doing a wrong move, it’s just the wrong timing. What he does feels good, but not until a certain point and I’m ready for it. I can see why he does that move because I do really like that sometimes.”

So Different From Men

“When you find the perfect stroke for a particular guy - like maybe it’s fingers making a tight ring moving up and down while flicking the tip with your tongue… you can pretty much do that from the moment he’s hard and it will be great. And you could do the same thing the next day and it’s just as great for him. For me, and for my friends, just because a particular technique was amazing the night before when I was close to climax - doesn’t mean it will feel good the next day right at the beginning.”

“I think because penises are either hard or soft, like a switch that’s on or off, lots of people think vulvas are similar - either aroused or not. But for me, it changes a bunch of times from the beginning to the end. What feels good changes so much - and what’s strange is that what feels good at one time doesn’t feel good even a minute before or after.”

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Samantha Demonstrates Her Stages

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You get to try the technique and hear different ways women guide partners.

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Begin Begin

Then, Try it Yourself

Transitions Between Stages

There usually isn’t a clear moment where one stage ends and the next begins - and some women don’t have some stages at all, others have extra ones. The reality is much more of an ebb and flow. You add a little stimulation from the next stage and look for pleasure or feedback.

If there isn’t any feedback, no problem, ask for some or go back to what you were doing. When the stimulation from the next stage is more pleasurable than the last, you’re ready. For many, it’s like gradually adding a new ingredient into the mix versus a sudden switch.

Read More About Each Stage

Building Desire

“At first, it’s about building anticipation. It’s sort of like when you have an itch—your brain tells you something is tingling and that feeling grows until it’s relieved.”

“At first, it’s about building anticipation. It’s sort of like when you have an itch—your brain tells you something is tingling and that feeling grows until it’s relieved.”

Read More

Now, there are a million resources out there about foreplay and this isn’t meant to be an exhaustive examination of the topic, but there are a few themes that were so prevalent in the research, we have to mention them:

Feather-light Touch

Stroke the back of your arm with a fingertip so lightly that you’re almost not touching at all. Find that edge right between touching only the hairs and barely touching the actual skin. That feather-light touch is a favorite at this stage.

Slowness Builds Anticipation

The slower the movement, the longer the time the roller coaster goes up and up and up before it cascades down. Many women like incredibly slow, lingering touch at this stage.

Kiss

Try feather-light kisses and tongue flicks that meander down the neck and belly and thigh, passing close by but ignoring the nipples and vulva.

Avoidance

Instead of moving directly to the nipples or vulva, embrace the art of ignoring them. Trace lines and shapes and patterns that meander up and down the arms and neck and chest. Let your touch wander past the extremely sensitive parts, but don’t give them any attention, as if they don’t exist.

Thigh Crease

The crease between the leg and the vulva is incredibly sensitive but often doesn’t get much attention. Make these parts the main focus and, again, ignoring the clit and lips.

Nipples

For many, the most pleasurable touch on a nipple at this stage isn’t sucking, it’s the feather-light touch, with a finger or tongue, barely touching.

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Warmup

“Then, for this part my clit isn’t fully aroused yet. So it’s about not touching it at all at first, then gradually, gently starting. This part makes all the difference for me.”

“Then, for this part my clit isn’t fully aroused yet. So it’s about not touching it at all at first, then gradually, gently starting. This part makes all the difference for me.”

Read More

Once desire has been sparked, a great many women like a gradual build, beginning away from the clit and without penetration:

“At the very beginning, my clit’s not awake yet. Touching it directly is uncomfortable. It can put a painful jolt through my system.”

Do Not Enter

For the vast majority of women, penetration just doesn’t feel good at all at this stage.

Hinting

Building anticipation through playful teasing motions can work quite nicely at this stage for many women. (See Hinting)

Hinting

Building anticipation through playful teasing motions can work quite nicely at this stage for many women. (See Hinting)

Painting

Research shows that 68% of women enjoy gentle upward and downward strokes moving the wetness from the vaginal opening to other areas.

When you do first touch the clit, notice how it begins soft and then becomes harder under your touch as it becomes aroused. The slow, less direct touches that feels best at this stage are usually quite different from what feels good later on. In general, women cite these guides:

Gentle

Unless you love massaging or squeezing, apply less pressure. Many women prefer feather-light or moderate touch but gliding not pressing into the skin.

Slow

Try not to make abrupt moves. The longer each stroke takes, the more anticipation builds.

From Above

Since the clit has a hood overtop, approaching from above rubs the hood. Approaching from below hits the exposed clit directly and can feel overwhelming. Overwhelming not in a good way for many women.

Less Direct

At this stage, one approach is to not touch the clit directly, but through the surrounding skin. (See Layering)

It’s Not all About the Tip

The clit has nerve endings that go deep above, to the sides and below the exposed part of the clit. Those areas love attention too - especially before the clit is ready for direct stimulation.

Less Often

In the warm-up stage, occasional, brief touches may feel best. (In later stages, the clit is ready for more constant stimulation).

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Build-Up

“This is the longest part - it’s when my clit is ready and full and really loves attention. The pleasure builds and builds.”

Read More

When it comes to stimulating the clit in the buildup stage, there’s a far larger variation in what feels best for different women. Subtle details make all the difference so experimentation is key.

Location Variation:

  • Around the clit and hood - preferred by 1 in 2 women
  • Brushing over the clit; no pressure - preferred by 1 in 4 women
  • Avoid touching the clit at all - preferred by 1 in 20 women
  • Pressure on the mons, above where pubic hair grows - preferred by 1 in 12 women

Pressure Variation:

  • 31% of women love pressure so light it glides over the wetness, not even the skin
  • 25% of women love light pressure that moves over the skin, but doesn’t grip
  • 33% of women love medium pressure that gently grips and actually moves the skin
  • 11% of women love firm, massaging pressure that pushes deep into the skin

Stroke Variation:

It really is different strokes for different folks. Most women do not have one single favorite motion, but rotate between several (that’s why the percents add up to more than 100).

  • 64% Up and down
  • 30% Side-to-side
  • 50% Circular
  • 21% Pulsating in one spot (See Rhythm)
  • 19% Pushing/pressing in one spot
  • 16% Flicking
  • 14% Tall ovals
  • 11% Tapping
  • 10% Diagonal
  • 10% Wide ovals
  • 8% Squeezing/pinching
  • 5% Pulling
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Approach

“This is when the orgasm first starts appearing on the horizon. This is when everything gets more intense but also when it’s easiest for things to go wrong and to lose the orgasm.”

Read More

The Approach stage is when you first start feeling the orgasm building inside.

For many women, this is the most fragile stage because stopping, changing the pattern, or getting distracted can stop the escalation and even make it so you have to start over from the beginning.

Again, this can vary from person to person, but many women love sticking with one of the motions that felt best during Build-Up, but done with more consistency. (See Consistency)

Which Motion? Usually the one that:

  • Had more pressure
  • Was more direct
  • Passed over the clit more often
  • Happened at the moment approach started

While consistency generally tends to move things to orgasm, there are also extremely popular delay techniques that build more pleasure and a more intense orgasm (See Surprise / See Edging).

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Orgasm

“When I pass the point of no return, I feel the waves of pleasure and the muscles below the opening and my butt start to contract rhythmically. Nothing else exists.”

Read More

While many women like the same motion from Approach to continue consistently throughout the orgasm, many women like the stimulation to change once orgasm begins in some way. Some of the most prevalent are:

  • More pressure, overall
  • More pressure on higher, hidden parts of the clit
  • Slow or pause to extend the orgasm (like Samantha)
  • Adding penetration or a finger on the outside of the opening the moment the orgasm begins

Discovering which one works best for you or your partner is probably the greatest homework assignment of all time.

Of course, the clit gets more and more sensitive during orgasm. And right as the orgasm ends, the clit is often super sensitive to touch. So what felt wonderful a moment ago can feel overwhelming or painful.

Partners, you can tell when the orgasm is ending when the pulsating muscle contractions below the opening and around the anus slow down. As one woman so eloquently put it, “It’s like the microwave popcorn is ready and there’s more than a second between the pops.” That’s when the recovery stage begins.

1 in 10 women don’t have orgasms. But many still have lots of pleasure and very satisfying sex lives, sometimes even more satisfying than for women who do have orgasms since they can stay on a high plateau of pleasure for a long time.

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Rebuild and Multiples

“It’s crazy how, right after the orgasm, everything gets super sensitive. Really gentle touch is suddenly very intense.”

Read More

For many women, the clit is oversensitive after orgasm and it’s probably not the time for focused attention.

“I told my boyfriend, imagine if, right after you come, I rubbed the tip of your penis really hard and fast with my palm - that’s what it feels like - a sharp ouch.”

Getting to a second or multiple orgasm is about moving through this very sensitive stage without the “ouch” and getting back to rebuilding pleasure.

You can explore and try these strategies in Multiples.

Fewer than half of all women have multiple orgasms. If you don’t, you’re in the majority! There are still kinds of touch that feel really good after orgasm that are also explored in the Multiples section.

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Staging Change over time

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Staging Change over time

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Staging Change over time